why can't i be a 'hair up' kinda gal?

I’ve worn my hair down for my entire life. I can't recall the deep-seated, psychological trauma around updos that I obviously experienced in my childhood, but I’ve always had this sense that I‘m not someone who can wear their hair up. It’s just not an option. Maybe it's a self consciousness thing of liking my hair as a security blanket, or just not feeling nice without it. All I know is this - I've had a mental block when it comes to pulling my hair off my face for basically my whole life.

Consequently, I only stand a chance of liking my hair the day I’ve washed it, closely followed by hating it the next day, therefore spending an inordinate amount of time trying to construct an elaborate side parting to get it out of the way before washing it again the next morning. So basically, every other day I hate my hair. 

This also obviously means I have to wash my hair every other day, which may not sound awful, but my hair is not wash and go kind of hair. It’s wash and then spend 45 minutes blow drying and styling kind of hair. It’s physical and emotional turmoil. It’s sweating under a hair dryer and toiling under a curling tong and even then it’s so unpredictable it may still look awful. And if I’m doing something I want to look half decent for? It has to be a wash that morning.

A few weeks ago, I had a revelation. Enough is enough. I have expended so much time and energy washing and styling my hair over the years that it makes me feel sick thinking about it. Sometimes I feel exhausted before I even get to work, and for what? Spritzing a bit of dry shampoo and then twisting up and spraying with hairspray takes seven minutes max. And no sweating.

Before this revelation, I’d worn my hair up only once at work and it was on a hangover because I physically couldn’t wash it without vomiting/being an hour late for work. Someone called me Vicky Pollard. It was fair. But I realized what I needed to do was wear it up with intention. Not on a hangover but on a normal day as an intentional style choice, ideally a roll neck and statement earrings.

And you know what, it’s great. I feel more relaxed in the mornings, I love having my hair out of the way (which makes me realize how distracting it is trying to manage it when it’s down, arranging and tucking it behind my ears all day like an elaborate beard). 

It may sound dramatic, but I think it’s come from this whole bigger thing of trying to be kind to myself. Giving myself a break instead of beating myself up for my hair not being perfect all the time. Breaking from these fixed, rigid rules of what I can and can't do that make no sense.

What will I break free from next? Not sure, but hair seems a good place to start.